Past and Present

There are things in my life that I have always improved in. In these areas, opportunities always seem to open and I keep moving ahead. I like to keep moving, I like it when life is smooth sailing from one point to another. Some people seem to do this all the time.
For me, life is double sided. On the one hand I am very successful, yet in certain areas I am always faced with problems. I try to apply myself as best as I can, sometimes extending myself far beyond anything I have ever done. I try to live a life that is conductive to improvement. The things that make me successful are things that I apply to my entire life. The odd part is that it doesn't seem to work universally.
I normally either get one thing or the other. Of course it is never as simple as 2 choices. Often you find that when you get both A and B, you loose C, which before that point you didn't even realize was there.
All I really want is to improve, be successful and be balanced while doing so. If I can find a way to do that, I will be happy. Im not sure why I have had such poor success getting things to balance. It seems that it may be contrary to existence in this world. What a foul thing that would be, to understand what you want, to want to become better and balanced, to be willing to do whatever it takes to do so and then to find out that it isn't possible.

What is the point continuing down this path, even the higher one, if it only leads to disappointment? The more I learn and the more I understand how the world works, the more I realize that the right thing to do requires me to give up myself and what I want. The more I do this and the further down that path I travel, I come to realize that no one really cares that I do this and that the world doesn't really want me to get what I want, which is only to improve, be balanced, successful and happy. Do I have to become a "Wrong" person to get what I want in this world? I guess that would keep me from improving, so really I still wouldn't be happy. I wish the world didn't operate like this.

I regress to the past, where I didn't know what I know now. I wasn't as good of a person, but I didn't know that then. Sometimes I want to relive that time. It was easier to be happy.

Giving

One of my goals in life is to be a giving person. Life makes this a difficult goal. It took me some time to find a way to be able to give and stay in balance. Sometimes this becomes a stretch, but I try to give to the world all that I can. Yet I found that I cant give to the world if I give up myself and abandon the tasks that I am faced with.

Another difficult part of giving is being a true giver. I learned early that when you give you receive. At least this is the way it ideally works. But it took me a long time to understand that you don’t give to receive. It is best to give for the sake of giving. Too often people become selfish and self centered in their giving, myself included. We make decisions based on what works best for ourselves.

I try to give when it’s not in my best interest, or better put when it doesn’t give me what I want and/or immediate satisfaction. This is a difficult thing to do. I always seem to hit a wall where I don’t think I can give anymore. I try to focus and look in myself and some how I end up finding that there is still more to give. In doing so, it seems I am helping to cut new paths and better define giving. It is probably one of the hardest things I have ever attempted in my life. Constantly hitting walls in my selfish nature, only to break through to hit a wall again, it’s a lonely path. Yet it has been rewarding. I’m not sure where it will take me.